Your Menstrual Cycle

So, ever since I upgraded to the iPhone 8 Plus, however many years ago that was now, I've been paying attention to the Health App. Like, a lot. I mean, to be fair, I'm sure I don't get much out of it compared to some people who like to track every beat of their heart. But I pay attention to the step counts and distance walked. And I try and keep my weekly averages about the same, if not improving from week to week. Of course at some point you can only improve so much.

Not too long ago, an update was launched for the app. And the look is quite different than it used to be. It's taken a little getting used to. And I think it's unhappy with me, because at every chance it gets, it sees fit to inform me about how my steps this hour/day/week are less than last hour/day/week. And when I have a banner week traipsing around the city, for which I feel really good about myself, it is content to tell me that I'm taking "about the same amount of steps" as last week/month. I mean, come on iPhone, give me a little encouragement! But here's the kicker - it now has little ads to help you "get more from Health". And the one I see most frequently is this one: Learn About Menstrual Cycles. My phone seems to honestly believe that I can learn more about my health by tracking my cycle.

I keep looking around for the candid camera. I mean, this is a joke, right?

I'll admit, I'm kind of afraid to click on it. I mean, phones have gotten pretty smart. What if my phone knows something about me that I don't?? It could very well be trying to tell me something. What if it shows me something I really don't care to see? It's almost dinner time after all, don't want to ruin my appetite. (This is me attempting to be a stereotypical male. A dude. Yeah.) But you know what, today is the day. I'm clicking on it. Maybe I WILL learn something about myself. Or maybe I'll just get this stupid thing to stop showing up if I click on it. OK. Here goes...

I did it.

Huh. It seems that a menstrual cycle is an "important part of my health". Perhaps it's just warning me to avoid anyone currently ON their cycle?? Well in any case, I am glad to now know that cycles vary from month-to-month and person-to-person. There's a revelation. News flash: I've been married and divorced twice now. I think I've got that one down. My life's experience with women has taught me that, at least. I may not have learned much else, but what guy does? But my phone tells me that "the best way to understand what's normal for you is by tracking your periods". So. I guess I need to start tracking my periods. I'm...not really sure where to begin here. Maybe an excel spreadsheet? I do like spreadsheets. Actually, I'm sorry, I really don't have have time for this nonsense. I'm a guy! I don't HAVE a menstrual cycle! Sheesh.

OK, clearly Apple needs to work on some bug fixes...